


Control.

by dancedance_resolution



Series: LegendsVerse [7]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: 5x12 spoilers, Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Mild descriptions of violence, Post-5x12, descriptions of ava's thoughts and emotions during 5x12, ohhhh the angst.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dancedance_resolution/pseuds/dancedance_resolution
Summary: It wasn’t until she faced unpredictable chaos—a duel-ready ex-assassin with a knack for improvisation, a disorganized yet bold team of vigilantes, and a contaminated timeline that forced her to venture though the eons—that Ava felt free.And maybe that’s why zombies were so genuinely terrifying to Ava. They possessed no freedom, no agency, and no control, as their biology and the need to kill overtook every part of them.---an examination of Ava's thoughts and emotions during and post 5x12.
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Series: LegendsVerse [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857001
Comments: 6
Kudos: 34





	Control.

**Author's Note:**

> i have !emotions!. last night's episode was intense but also amazing, so of course i had to write an angsty fic to process everything that just happened. 
> 
> TWs: ava's death, sara's death, mild descriptions of violence, discussion of free will

When examining the false memories that swirled around her head, Ava came to realize that each narrative served a purpose. The 15th birthday party where she ruthlessly used that kid as a human paint ball shield? That wasn’t a laughable anecdote; no, it was a way for her programmer to reaffirm to her that she was the type of woman who got shit done and survived to tell the tale. The joy she felt when she learned she won that student government election in eighth grade? That wasn’t supposed to garner a sense of pride or achievement; it was created to emphasize to Ava that she was born a leader and had the capability to continue leading now.

The phrase “control freak” wasn’t present in any of those “memories.” (Ava supposed her programmer didn’t want any negative associations with the word "control," since her whole mission as Director, essentially, was to exercise orderly and precise control over the department.) She hadn’t even been aware that the colloquialism existed until an aggravated Sara had shouted it at her, and even though Ava could only imply what it meant, its sentiment was clear. The remark pierced her, and the fact that she didn’t know why those two small words affected her so deeply only intensified the hurt.

(Spoiler alert: the reason it stung so badly because she was in the early stages of a crush.)

That experience was Ava’s first harsh exposure to the notion that control could be bad. So her mind retaliated by needing more control.

But as Ava’s grip tightened, so did her feeling of helplessness. Every exertion of control was met with rebellion or, even worse, mere compliance. It wasn’t until she faced unpredictable chaos—a duel-ready ex-assassin with a knack for improvisation, a disorganized yet bold team of vigilantes, and a contaminated timeline that forced her to venture though the eons—that Ava felt _free_.

And in that freedom—it was only then the Ava felt like she could maybe have some control: _control over herself._

Maybe that’s why zombies were so genuinely terrifying to Ava. They possessed no freedom, no agency, and no control, as their biology and the need to kill overtook every part of them.

Because, what about the moments when she saw herself reflected in them? What about all those times she had said “yes” to the Bureau’s demands, when really, she lacked the ability nor option to say “no”? All of her work, everything she had accomplished—it meant nothing, because she had no choice in any of it. She was just a stiff, a _clone_ , fulfilling the destiny that someone else prescribed her.

But every moment with the Legends, with her Sara, was an opportunity for authenticity. In every moment, she could _choose_ what she _wanted_ to do and what she _needed_ to do for herself, her team, and her love.

And it was freeing. Because it was no longer control, per se. It was harmony.

\---

Moments like these highlighted the stark difference between independence and desperation. The quiet “Sara” that escaped Ava’s throat was a plea; the crashing of her lips against Sara’s was a petitionary prayer. As she stood feebly behind the bar counter, she didn’t know where to focus her gaze. Her eyes shakily scanned the room, searching for _anything_ to tell her that it was all going to be okay, _that Sara was going to be okay_.

And the scream of “Sara!” that erupted out of her soul—that was grief and despair and pain and utter _defeat_.

The world began to fade away as she told a hazy image of Charlie to go and save everyone. The fate of the whole world quite literally rested on Charlie’s humble shoulders.

And Ava believed in Charlie, trusted Charlie, had faith in Charlie… Just like Sara had faith in her.

Because really, what other choice did Ava have?

Ava never quit her fierce resistance as her body slowly succumbed to the zombies. As what would soon be her corpse betrayed her, its now limp limbs unwillingly relinquishing to the monsters’ appetite, she felt a hot tear race down her cheek. And she thought not of control or fate or will or the fleeting existence of her consciousness.

She thought of Sara.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed. Please note that I am not legally liable for any tears shed.
> 
> Consider leaving comments/kudos bc validation is nice :)))
> 
> Check me out on tumblr @procrastinatingsquirrelll to rant to me about Legends and Ruby Rose. (!!!)
> 
> If there are any TWs you think I should add to the top notes, please let me know in the comments :)
> 
> Please do not repost my work anywhere.


End file.
